Thursday, February 25, 2010

Critical Care Notes, Chapter 1

When you are in “critical care”, you are generally tethered to your hospital bed with a variety of tubes, hoses, and other devices. Some of the devices are connected to needles inserted into your veins, and others are electrified and taped to your chest, so there’s no chance of escape.

One time, I really had to pee. I got up to go to the bathroom and there were some hoses and wires which were connected which put me, literally, on a short leash. Plan B is always to pee in your bed with the urinal, but I was already up, and, well, frankly, Plan B doesn’t always work the best.

So, I was standing up anyway, and as there was a big window with the blinds up, I didn’t think facing the window was the best plan. So, I faced the door of the room. Now, the door is always open and there just a long shower curtain kind of thing there, and it’s not always shut. And, there’s no place to knock, and well, folks don’t knock anyway. Anyone barges in, including the computer tech, the maid, the electrician, maybe even the interior decorator worried about what color they should paint the walls.

Time was of the essence, as this was the day we needed to get my kidneys working really well, I was “well hydrated”, which results in “full bladder status” at least every hour. So, I turned to the door and was doing my business in the urinal, nearly filling up the container with my precious bodily fluids. My female nurse walks in and gets flustered.

No big deal to me. I had to go. She is a nurse. It’s not like I have privacy. Oh, and this was “pantsless Thursday”, the day I couldn’t wear underwear or the Capri style drawstring pants they had for me. Just the barely long enough but not really hospital gown, the ones where your butt is always hanging out.

The nurse apologizes, but, hey, its not a big deal. She says something about trying to respect my modesty.

So, she empties the urinal, and compliments me for being so productive. (Thank you, thank you.).

She comes back a few minutes later, to shave my groin!

Oh, no worry about modesty today, thank you! She’s worried about seeing me pee, but hey, taking a Schick to the right side of my balls and all points east, no problemo!

But, its not terribly fashionable, as I only get shaven on one side. Is that the new look? Should I keep my new “do”? Maybe go Brazilian? Or, maybe a Mohawk look? I dunno. I can’t seem to find out anything about the new styles in GQ.

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