Taking Time To Listen

                                    

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

― Winston S. Churchill

            Yes, I learn more when I listen than when I speak.       

            If I admit to myself that I don’t know it all, that I don’t have to dominate the conversation, to show others how much I know, then I can really learn.  In listening, there is evaluation, analysis, and, gasp, thinking.

            I might even change my views, and look at the world, or at least a small part of it, in a different way. 

            And, in the listening, I will learn, gaining new wisdom to meet the challenges of life.

--Neal Lemery 1/12/2016

For a society we live in

For a society we live in

Demands for every citizen

For the ones who stand out have the courage to face difference

Two heads are worse than one

One is best to change

We stand here in silence until one does something strange

We wish for the better

And we acknowledge we commit pain

For the pain we cause others is an action in vain

We are a superior race

But we are scared to face the unknown

But if we knew the answer to life

Society would be overthrown.

--Samwell Manjur (2015)

Planting Our Gardens

This was a week of planting flowers. 

A few days ago, I’m able to tend some flowers in our town’s community garden. Over a cup of coffee, a young man and I talk about changing attitudes in this community. Two street preachers have periodically shown up on Main Street, condemning homosexual love, accosting young people, telling them they are going to hell.  

One brave high school girl made a sign, and stood next to them on the street corner, contradicting their views. Her hand-lettered sign spoke of the idea that love is the highest human value, that everyone should be able to love who they choose to love, that homosexual love is an aspect of Christian love and compassion.  

She was joined by others, and a Facebook group was created, #TillamookForLove, its members now close to 3,000. The preaching and the counter demonstrations became the talk of the town. The young girl’s actions were mentioned around the world, tweeted by Ellen DeGeneres and becoming a featured story in the Huffington Post.  

The young man I had coffee with joined the girl and her supporters, taking a public stand on an issue dear to his heart.  As often happens in a small town, and across America, people criticized him, condemned him, telling him he’s a sinner because of what he is willing to say. His job was at risk for what he believed in, what he spoke about on his own Facebook page.

Yes, fear and bigotry and discrimination, right in his face.  Change his opinion or lose his job. The old beliefs, the old discriminatory, bigoted ways aren’t just something to talk about, not just some textbook First Amendment clash between freedom of religion and free speech. Now, it’s seeing the reality of imposing one’s own religious beliefs, and beliefs about who you can marry, to the point of crushing someone else’s right to their own opinion, to the point of getting fired.

Our coffee cools as we wrestle with his story, his pain and anguish, his moral dilemmas hitting his wallet and his conscience.  Being called out for what you believe in and threatened with losing his job, his challenges and choices aren’t just an academic debate. He’s on the battlefield, and the spears and the clash of swords on the front lines aren’t confined to a history book. The blood being shed is real.

Bigotry and fear run deep in our little town and across our country. He’s still in shock about how deep the cancer grows, how quickly the moral question got personal. The ugliness is something we both don’t like to see, don’t like to admit is thinking that is all too common. What is the price of his own conscience? 

Yet, he knows his own mind, and he knows his standards of ethics and morality. Quietly, firmly he speaks his mind, knowing that he can sleep well tonight, knowing he made the right call, knowing that his beliefs are truly his own, that getting fired for what he believed in was really the best response to his boss, his own epiphany for what we are facing.   

I shake his hand, seeing real courage across the table, feeling proud that he knows himself well enough to know his own mind, that he’s confident enough to follow his Truth, and live according to his own heart. 

This flower garden is growing well.  The weeds have been called out and named. Weeds are being pulled and beautiful flowers have been planted. Strong plants send their roots deep into the soil of this young man’s heart, his morality strong and fertile. 

Today, I plant some flowers of my own, going to a nearby prison and planting flowers inside the fence, behind the locked gate that slams shut every time I leave. 

The young men I visit, several other volunteers, and I weed flower beds. We work on setting the supports for a new arbor in fresh cement, finish the week’s projects, and tidy up the garden. This weekend, the young men will host a Family Day, with food and games, and tours of their garden. Proudly, they will show off their hoop house, their raised beds and chickens, showing off all the growing that has been going on.  

The youths clean up the garden and carry out their tasks, making the place shine, their flowers and vegetables thriving under their careful and meticulous gardening skills.  They are learning a great deal in their class, where they are studying a wide range of subjects.  I help correct their homework, and work with them, one on one, as they delve into the hands-on work of both the academic work and their hoop house and raised bed projects.  Their work is top notch, and their gardens reflect the pride they are taking in their agricultural work, and the rebuilding of their lives. It is garden work on many levels.  

We work happily together, asking questions, sharing our knowledge, expanding our curiosity about how sunshine, dirt, seeds, and tender care can produce vigorous growth.  The young men ask great questions, get their hands dirty, and do the weeding, pruning and fertilizing they need to change themselves, and move on with their lives, becoming healthy, and vigorous young men.

I’m given the task of adding several flats of marigolds to some bare spots in the flowerbeds. I create my own slice of Eden, being a role model for the young men, and adding some beauty to this world behind the fence and the barbed wire. A young man takes the time to admire my work, and ask me some questions about pruning. Our talk goes deep, until I answer what he is really asking.  

Lives are changed here. I’m thankful I’m able to dig my trowel into the receptive soil of these young men, and plant some flowers.  

This week, the gardens of our community have needed a great deal of work. Hard decisions have been made, and the spade work, hoeing and planting have made us sweat.  The gardeners have new blisters, some new aches and pains.  We’ve pulled the weeds and planted new flowers, and we are ready for a little more sunshine and truth in our lives.  

—-Neal Lemery, May 29, 2015

Speaking to high school students in prison, as they graduate...

Trask River High School Commencement Address

June 21, 2014

Neal C. Lemery

Distinguished guests, family,  respected faculty of Trask River High School, and, honored graduates of the Class of 2014:

Today, we are here to celebrate a great achievement.  After a great deal of hard work, you have earned your high school diploma.

This is a remarkable victory, an accomplishment that deserves a celebration. You now have a real asset, a treasure, no one can ever take away from you: your education.

With these skills, you are now life long learners.  There is no stopping you now.  You can achieve anything you want because you know how to learn. You have proven that you are determined enough to apply yourself and to advance in this world.  You have done something really good for yourself.  

And, that is success.

Today is Commencement. Commencement means the beginning.  Today is not only a celebration of what you have done, but it is also the start of the rest of your lives.  

Susan Sontag, a famous writer, feminist, and social critic, shared this thought with another graduating class:

“I have said that this rite of passage—commencement—is one that faces in two directions. Your old status and your new status. The past and the present. The present and the future. But I would urge that it is not just a description of today’s exercises but a model for how you should try to live. As if you were always graduating, ending, and, simultaneously, always beginning. And your sense of the world, and of the large amount of life before you, also should face in two directions.”

Let me turn to your future.  At this Commencement, it is time to start on the next step in your education.

This place  where we sit today is a place of changing directions in our lives.  

It has been said that if you don't change directions, you are going to end up where you are headed.

Your work here is all about moving ahead with your lives; it is all about changing directions.  

Bob Marley, the Jamaican reggae musician, said, “If you don’t start somewhere, you’ll go nowhere.”

If you want to change your life, if you want to change the path you were on when you got here, take the next step in your life.

You’ve already proven to yourself that you are smart enough, and energetic enough, to earn a high school diploma.  Achieving that puts you ahead of one third of all of the young men in Oregon.  That means you are in the top two thirds of your peers. 

But, that’s not good enough.  That’s not good enough for our society, and it’s not good enough for you.  

You deserve more.  You’re smart and you’re motivated.

So, take that next step.  Be the change you want to see in the world.  Find your passion and go after that.  Discover what you love to do in life, and become an expert in your profession.  Become the best in what you do.

You who create with your hands, the artisans, the tradesmen, the craftsmen among you, you need to take that next step.  Your work will build our communities, and change the world. You are a key part of our future.  So, find that trade school, or that community college, find the skills you need, and gain that expertise.  Don’t settle for being the average Joe in the world, just taking any old job that might come along.  Take a couple of big steps and become an expert in what you love to do.

Some of you will keep on your academic path, and will find a college to challenge you.

People who graduate from college have more opportunities.  They make more money, and they raise healthier, smarter kids.  They are able to solve harder problems, and they are the ones who change and grow our society.  

And, you can start college right now.  College is right out that door over there, right down that path.  Your college is right here where you live.  And, your teachers are ready for you. 

And, the best thing about your college is that is it free.

Free.  What a deal.  One of the best gifts you’ll ever get. 

All someone needs for a college education is their time, their brains, and that fire of motivation that burns in their soul.

You have the time, you have the brains, and you have that fire.

For each of us, finding what we love to do in life, and becoming really good at it take some real effort, and some real commitment. That commitment comes from you.  That can only come from you.  

Whatever you go after in life is an investment in yourself.  Everything you work for  becomes part of you, and makes you a better person.  It changes your life.

When you leave here, you will take your education with you.  You will take your determination, your stubbornness, and your work ethic.  You will take with you the tools you will need to be successful, and to go out in the world and live a meaningful, productive life.  

And, most of all, you will take that passion, that fire, to make a difference in you and in the world.  

Just ask those who have gone on ahead of you, who have moved out into the world and done something with their lives.  They will tell you, again and again, get an education. Find your passion. 

So, what does that life ahead of you, that life filled with purpose and passion, look like?  What does that fire in your soul look like?

I want to end today with another man’s perspective.  He’s a man who overcame many of the obstacles you have faced in your lives, a man who worked hard and moved ahead, and took advantage of the opportunities he had.  

This man grew up in the tough part of a big city, his dad left when he was two years old, he was raised by a single mother, he almost dropped out of high school, he got involved in gangs, and some drugs. He was Black, he was poor, and yet he found his fire, and moved ahead in life, doing his part to make the world a better place. 

This is what that man,that man we know as President Barack Obama, says about what a purposeful, focused life, a life dedicated to improving yourself,  means:

“I'm talking about an approach to life -- a quality of mind and quality of heart; a willingness to follow your passions, regardless of whether they lead to fortune and fame; a willingness to question conventional wisdom, …; a lack of regard for all the traditional markers of status and prestige -- and a commitment instead to doing what's meaningful to you, what helps others, what makes a difference in this world.”

Class of 2014.  We salute you, and we urge you to move ahead into your amazing and fabulous future.  

Thank you.

Outside of My Prison's Walls

“Even though I’m out, I can’t seem to make my own decisions.  Six years of someone else telling me what to do, where to go, how to act, and now I can’t seem to move ahead in my life, and do what I need to do for myself.”

“It’s like I’m still in prison.  I’m still behind the walls,” my young friend told me, as we were deep in conversation about his life and where he was headed.

Yet, aren’t we all still behind the walls, the walls we make ourselves?  Don’t each of us have that fear of moving ahead, and taking on our hard issues, and that tough challenge of having our own walls to climb over?  

Life has a way of moving along, and we don’t often see ourselves in control of the directions we are taking, or our ability to find our own path.  Our jobs, our families, our friends all seem to be the movers and the guides in our life that are shaping our daily lives, and where we are headed.  

I like to think that I’m purposeful in what I do, and what my action plan is for the day, the week, maybe even the year.  But, my daily routine and my usual “to do” list means the day has a lot of routines, and I end up responding to other people’s agendas more than my own, long term, “what is good for me” list.  

And, often, other people’s expectations of me can soon turn into my own prison walls.  Just playing follow the leader and letting other people’s plans and needs fill my day becomes pretty easy, and pretty comforting.  I don’t have to think much, at least the thinking I should be doing about where I’m going in life, and who I want to become, and the dreams I want to realize and achieve.  

I let the walls get built up, and I get comfortable with that, instead of speaking up for myself, and finding that voice inside of me that talks about my dreams and my goals.  

Some philosophers would say that each one of us is living life in the prisons we’ve built ourselves, too afraid of taking charge, and finding the ladder to climb over the walls, or to search out the key to the lock to the gate.  

I think I’m free, free to go outside and smell the fresh air, and walk down the road, or meet a friend for lunch, or mull over an idea and speak my peace about a hot topic.  Yet, my daily routine and my well worn path in the road of life is pretty comfortable if I let others do the thinking and gently prodding me into going along with the plan for the day.  

After all, it is easier to just nod my head and grunt an “uh, huh” when someone pontificates an idea that my heart is telling me needs to be challenged, needs to be explored at some length.  That would take some work, and I might offend the other guy, and end up getting deep into a serious and thought provoking debate.  And, I might actually learn something and find some flaws in my own thinking.  I may even have to take some action, and get out of my routine.  

Or, not.  Just let their thought slide by, and I go along with the flow.  

“Don’t rock the boat,” my grandmother used to say.  

Yet, I recall she was pretty opinionated, and wasn’t shy about challenging some popular ideas and politics in her day.  She wasn’t a model prisoner inside the walls society had built in her day, and she was good at teaching me to think outside the box and not take the usual way out of a dilemma by simply going along with the flow, and not rocking the boat.

A few weeks ago, I listened to Leymah Gbowee, the Liberian social activist and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.  She was a young medical student when a civil war broke out in her country, devastating her family and community, and halting her promising medical career.  She wanted to break down the walls that kept her country from seeing an alternative to war, terror, and lack of opportunity for women and children.  

She didn’t have an army, and she didn’t have money or power.  “But, I had my voice,” she said.  ‘And I used it.  I spoke up, every chance I got.”

She wouldn’t take no for an answer, and she wouldn’t let any walls, any thinking that social change was impossible, get in her way.  She told the stories of the women and children in her country, and she talked about non violence and civil disobedience.  She challenged and she provoked, and she taught and she argued.   

She used her voice and moved her country towards peace.  She made people think, and pushed people out of their ruts, helping them find the keys to their own prison gates, and to find their freedom and their true destiny.

Leymah Gbowee didn’t start down that road with the idea that she’d win the Nobel Peace Prize someday.  She simply wanted her country to be at peace, and for her family and neighbors to be done with war, and to live in peace.  She spoke up, using the only tool she had, her voice.

My young friend is finding his voice, and I see a lot of other people finding their voices, and finding the keys to their own prison gates.  Folks are moving out into freedom, out into the sunshine outside of their own prison walls.

Neal Lemery, May 14, 2014

Precious and Painful

Life is precious and wonderful.  

I learned that lesson again this week, a week of turmoil, grief, and new beginnings.  

A good friend, suffering from a deadly, debilitating disease, moved on out of this world, taking charge of his life, and saying his good byes, and teaching us about life, its joys, and the wonderment of each day.  His final days offered new lessons to me about courage, and what one person can achieve in their life, about relationships, and the sacredness of a simple act of kindness.

I never got to express everything I feel about him, but then, we never do.  Life is like that, never having enough time to really fully communicate what another person means to us, how precious is our relationship with someone.  Too often, we live in the moment, and dance around the profound, the universal truth of the gifts others bring into our lives.  

A family member ended their life, leaving us with deep questions, and the pain of sudden grief, paradoxes, and the reopening of old wounds, and old questions about life.  Pain wracked my heart, bringing me closer to family, and reminding me of the importance of how we all need to care for and parent the survivors.  Two young children now don’t have a mother, but they do have our family, and we have a deeper appreciation of the time that we have with each other.

I helped a young man being released from prison.  I walked with him out of the prison gate, having him hear that metal slam behind him, and I drove him into the rest of his life.  Five years behind bars, ten years of foster care, two failed adoptions, the emptiness of no one visiting him these last five years. 

We loaded up all of his worldly possessions into my car, and drove off into the early morning gloam, the heavy rain attempting to drown our joy of that moment, and the prospects of a bright life ahead for this young man.  

We greeted the dawn at the beach, his first view of the ocean in five years, his first hour of only the sound of the wind and the waves, not sharing the dawn with twenty five other inmates in a prison dorm.  

There was ice cream with breakfast, and buying a new book by his favorite author, and a long drive through the forest, where each turn in the road offered yet another view of the world, without bars and fences.  

We dealt with bureaucracy, mind-numbing forms and questionnaires, more waiting, and more interviews.  Yet, in all that, I witnessed his courage, his determination to move ahead, and begin his new life.  He knew where he was going, and he was prepared to forge ahead, on his own at last.

Through his eyes, I saw the world anew, and got a glimpse of what opportunity and hope can mean for one’s soul.  When all things are possible, and when you now have freedom to move ahead, and to take your first steps into a new world, to create your life, and move towards your dreams, then life is sweet and amazing.  

I walked with him, sitting in the dank waiting rooms of the probation office, transitional housing, the world of food stamps and public assistance.  I felt the cold stares of the security guards and the bureaucrats, their unfeeling hands as they searched me, judging me as a suspicious troublemaker, labeling me without knowing me.  This was just another day of institutional life for my young friend, and he flashed me a grin, letting me know that you can endure the labeling, the indifferent bureaucrats, and mind-numbing waiting, because today was his first day of freedom.  

At dinner, we toasted his freedom, and the future that he now held in his hand.  He chatted with the waitress about looking for work, about being young and moving to the big city.   He laughed and grinned at the idea of a menu, and a linen table cloth, and a candle on the table, real silverware and real plates.  And, when the giant piece of chocolate cake was too much for him to eat, he laughed at the idea of taking the rest home to his new room, a midnight snack just for him, to eat it all by himself, his first night sleeping alone in five long years.  

This week offered me many lessons, and many voices on how life is precious, and wonderful, and not to be taken for granted.  In all of this, I played many roles, and was called upon to be the best of friends, the best of uncles, and the best of the driver and companion of a young man whose world was opening up, his life ready to fully bloom in the glories of the coming spring.  

Neal Lemery 3/30/2014

Taking Mandela's Life Into My Heart

“What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived.  It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.” — Nelson Mandela

Many words are being written about the life and the death of this great man.  He lived a life of courage, living his convictions, and, in spite of overwhelming pain and suffering and obstacles, he did what was right.  He focused on what was decent, and what was just, and moved others ahead, towards justice and compassion.  

Each one of us can do the same.  We may not be leaders of social movements, and we may not be able to speak to millions of people, become president of a country, or win the Nobel Prize.  Yet, each of us, in our own ways, can lead lives of value, integrity, and advance those values and morals that we each hold dear.  

I can do the right thing.  Each one of us can.  And, it starts with taking a step in that new, unfamiliar, often awkward direction.  

Often, doing the right thing is profound, and astonishing to others.  And, in that action, and in the act of others witnessing the doing of right, and the demonstration of living morally and righteously, changes their lives as well.  

Nelson Mandela was all about change.  And, he did that, one person at a time.  His speeches, his writings, his one on one encounters, profoundly changes others, one person at a time.  

His life was a way of giving all of us permission to encounter hatred and bigotry, and to be consciously active in not living with those values, and to work towards a higher good.  He gave an example for us to follow.  He let us see that we all have choices, and we can decide to live differently.  

Living this is hard work, but also simple.  Change your attitude, change your intention, and move in a different direction.  Embrace love, and not hatred.  Be intentional in what you do.  Live your values.  

The great people in history have done that, people who are able to show us simple truths, and to move the direction of their lives in accordance with those simple truths.  The examples are powerful, and stun us with their sheer simplicity and beauty.  

Yet, we make that choice hard, finding lots of excuses, and resisting moving out of our old habits, our old ways of thinking, and being seduced by the status quo, old ways of thinking, being caught up in the thought patterns of hatred, distrust, and fear.  

I see people all around me being brave and courageous, just as Nelson Mandela lived, people dealing with hatred, prejudice, ignorance; people dealing with addictions, injustice, and fear.  They face their challenges, they speak their values and morals out loud, and they move into action.  They take life head on, and forge ahead, against the headwinds of social pressure and old ways of thinking and living, rejecting hatred and fear. 

In the coming days, we will read and hear many wise words, and hear many stories about Nelson Mandela and his life.  We will see the famous and powerful gather at his funeral and offer heartfelt eulogies.  We will be inspired and we will honor his great contributions and how he helped bring change to his country, and how he provoked the world to follow his lead.  

Yet, if we really want to honor his life, and to give meaning and celebration for the life that he lived, and how he helped to transform a culture of racism, intolerance and fear, into a society taking on bigotry and hatred, then each of us has to take his message and his life into our hearts.  His message is about changing ourselves and our lives from within, to love ourselves and the world unconditionally.  

How am I going to make a difference? How am I going to move forward, embracing and living unconditional love?  How am I going to change myself and my community and move towards a healthy, peace-loving view of life?  How do I respond to the hatred, bigotry and fear that I find inside of myself?  Am I brave enough to move on and move away from what I don’t want to be?  

Nelson Mandela called each of us to action.  He wrote inspiring books, and gave motivating speeches.  He practiced forgiveness and reconciliation.  Yet, his intention was to call upon his readers and his listeners to look deep into their hearts, and to move into action, to live our values and our morals, to live lives filled with love and hope, with compassion and forgiveness.  

Today, I will look deep inside of myself, calling out my morals and my ethics, calling out my true intentions for my life, and for this world.  I will call out my fears and my biases, and put them out on the table for me, and the world, to see, in all that reality, warts and all.   I will dig deep and I will take a wobbly step or two, and move ahead, towards my true intentions and my higher purpose.  

—Neal Lemery, 12/6/2013